Mergers & Acquistions: Spanx, your humps

What will they think of next? Somebody tell me why I would need Spanx under a jersey knit pant that seems inappropriate for the work environment and meets the polar opposite of functionality. I don't (nor do you) which confirms my theory that the Bod-a-Bing! Pant is marketed to the previously spanked—the people who can’t live without this suction trap. I know because I used to be one of them. A self-proclaimed Spanx addict if you will. I couldn’t meet the universe without a fresh set of Power Panties or Slim Cognito Seamless Mid-Thigh Bodysuit. But let me tell you—this contraption was never incognito. It merely concentrates one’s lovely lady lumps into a singular sausage link instead of several. Have I mentioned the visual improvement is minimally effective? And can we discuss the obstacles to intimacy when Spanx-sporting? First, one must avoid hugging, swing dancing, etc in fear of someone noticing your totally non-seamless control top (which by the way is never in control). Secondly, if things move on to a more pg-13 playing field, what does one do with the Spanx? I recommend not hiding them under a gentleman’s couch right before he moves out then forgetting their location in the AM. If this situation happens to you, denial would be the most appropriate course of action.

Now as if the Bod-a-Bing innovation weren’t already overkill, were you aware of the Power Mama? Yes, a Spanx line entirely devoted to the preggers at large. So stick this in your pipe—your embryo is now subject to involuntarily wearing Spanx. Completely helpless of such trimming agendas. Long term studies will link stunted natal development to the mommy power panty. And you thought drinking, drugs, and sushi were bad…

Nevertheless, the Spanxvasion has just begun. Brace yourself for the future of this suction suit. Pretty soon Spanx will dominate the cankle, forearm, and earlobe markets and we will find ourselves in a head-to-toe body suit with cutouts to see, breathe, and do other things. Women of all sizes will get stopped walking down the street by pedestrian crossing guards asking if they were planning on robbing a grocery store. Why this anti-progression I ask? If we wanted to resemble Marie Antoinette, Jane Eyre, and their 28 layer corsets we would. Let's stop this before disaster ensues. We are henceforth founding SpanxAnonymous-- a forum where one can turn to in quitting their quest for $72 bodysuits and for god's sake, let it all hang out.