Twilight - stuff hot people LOVE

Today marks a celebration in my life, but also a great loss. I have finished the final book in the Twilight saga. I feel simultaneously set free from this evil captor that dominated my life for the last month, but also sad and lost without its constant influx of unyielding passion.

The hold Stephanie Meyer has had over me is truly unique. She turned me, determined cynic with highbrow literary tastes for serious tomes of historical non-fiction into a desperate addict of rampant teenage lust. Incredible. I used to think that the only worthy depiction of true love in the literary world was The Alchemist. But alas, and it pains me to admit this, but Fatima aint got nothin on Bella. Girlfriend is one hormonal heavy weight.

Reading Twilight has been an adventure of mind and spirit. I have sunk to the depths and soared with the eagles. And now it is over. I feel used and abused. And like I am about to experience withdrawal. I already feel anxiety and moodiness creeping at the edges of my emotional equilibrium. I am going to blog my way out of this hole. I hope you are ready to absorb the scope of my misery.

There is nothing more invigorating and titillating than discovering another twilight junky. I happen to be so lucky as to live with the world's greatest living fan of this series. We have shared many a chuckle, and many more a wistful tear for dear Bella and Edward. We will never truly be happy in any human romantic scenario. Our hearts are his.

However, even the most committed fan eventually loses their high from just reading alone. We needed something stronger, some new way to find that passion. And it came to us on Thursday night. While stumbling through a martini infused haze we suddenly began hissing at each other in traditional vampire fashion. Our crazed eyes met and we knew that the obvious next step was to begin living the Twilight story, right here, in Glover Park.

The debate that then ensued was visionary to put it mildly. There was a lot to decide. Who would be who? Clearly I am Alice - tiny and graceful helloo!!!!! No, but she has brown hair and can see the future, so thats legit. And Polly has to be Rosalie - blond, the epitome of physical perfection, and instinctually maternal. But beyond these two obvi's we were a little bit unsure as how the rest of the players would shake down.

Rad was a real problem. Should we lean towards Jacob's devotion, height, and innate canine ferocity? Or toward Esme's loving spirit? Or perhaps Bella - the mothership of womanly devotion and emotional attachment?? So many possibilities.

And of course, Edward is not yet assigned. If you happen to know any Edward like humans, Polly and I are both eager to be introduced.

Anyway, long story short, we LOVE twilight. So MUCH. and we love hissing at each other at bars and making claw hands like we are about to attack and suck your blood. So, if you see us doing this, don't freak out.

we know this person

and its safe to say she's a total knockout. Lauren Claire Gunn does not only work in an environment where she is referred to as the 'gunn show' but has taken up the secondary title of shredmaster flash which holds true to her ski bunny roots. After my recent visit to Jackson Hole, WY to observe lcg in her natural habitat, it's safe to say this hottie is made of nothing less than raw talent (and superior outdoor performance wear). Take a look.





If I ever get fired from the document management world, I have sworn to take up the shreddy/bulldog lifestyle of the Jacksonites where you might be getting a whole new perspective from the Tuna. Who wouldn't want to live in a place where bartering PBR is a legitimate currency and facial hair is the new pilates? These two have it made.

This person better watch it

I will not disclose the name of this imbicile, but here is an example of a completely offensive facebook status. This is literally the epitome of IPDA...

______ is arbys, naptime, clean, workout, cuddletime. ♥.

ahhhhhhhh!akdfja;jfaoiewji34345@$%&^&($%!!! if she is not referring to cuddling with a large pillow or a puppy, she is going down.

Internet PDA

As the graduating class of 2008, we are the veritable lab rats of the facebook.com. As the first college freshmen to discover and explore this new magical internet destination, we are all guilty of falling prey to the gayer aspects of this site at one time or another. However, just as we shrugged off the chunky heeled sparkly, see-through jellies from Gap Kids of our formative years, we must move on from these facebook faux pas and become mature, respectable members of the cyber community just as we are begrudgingly becoming in "real life." 

So, lets get right to it... IPDA. This issue has been gnawing at me and my fellow bloggers for weeks now. And I think its time we blow this one wide open and really get to the heart of our concerns about this epidemic. As a blogger, the concept of ipda is a bigger subject to develop a stance on than it is for just your average joe. As such an active member of the cyber world, it is my responsibility to understand ipda and be ready to debate it at the flip of a switch. Imagine how careless it would look if I hadnt prepared an opinion on and solution to the ipda situation if asked by the press?? embarassing to say the least.

Here is the basic premise - PDA's or public displays of affection are generally any act that may fly in the sack, but is awkward in the checkout line at the grocery store, in front of small children, or in any other non-voyeuristically themed public arena. So if you find yourself licking your signifcant other or casually fondling their upper thigh while his or her mother is sitting across from you - stop - you are commiting a PDA and putting yourself in danger of being extremely annoying. But moving on, you werent born yesterday, you've all seen it - and you have all been repulsed.

*disclaimer: This information in no way applies to BOMO or any other hot verbiage... BO activity is completely forgiven and considered accidental. I have no bones to pick with the bomo, the offender we are trying to crack down on is the sober pda*

Moving on. IPDA differs from PDA in one main aspect. The main difference is ipda requires no physical contact to be just as nails-on-a-chalkboard annoying as regular pda even though the original absolutely 100% requires it. This discrepancy shows just how wiley of a predator ipda can be, it can exist without the lifeblood of physical contact so desperately needed by its original form.

Instead of stroking, nibbling, lounging, etc... ipda thrives on excessive facebook communication between two people who clearly spend at least 85% of their time already in contact. This is clealry excessive, unnessary, and blatantly ipda. Let me spell it out for you - if you are in a relationship with someone - as in committed and interactive on a daily basis - there is literally no reason in existance why you should ever need to write on that persons facebook wall.

The facebook wall is a public forum, just as public as the checkout line, it is not remotely an appropriate space to flaunt your passion.

Another danger zone for witnessing ipda is any album of a vacay in which the cover picture is two people smiling (non sarcastically) despite wearing leys and holding coconut shaped coctails. or decked out in hiking gear. or ski gear. or holding giant foam hands at a ball game... you get the idea. this album is undoubtedly a 60 picture long direct ipda assault on your eyeballs. watch out.

Probably the most direct and ruthless attacker of the ipda scene is the status update. With a few syrupy key strokes you can easily alert the entire facebook community that you are currently engaging in some gag-worthy activity with your other half. And since we all secretly check statuses on a routein basis, we are bound to be violated by these updates whether we like it or not. It is an unavoidable evil. 

If you ever do need to suggest to the world that you are in the mood for love via status update, might i suggest a choice movie line reference such as, "____ , wanton sex goddess with a very bad man between her thighs, oh hello mum".... otherwise, just promise to never do it.

And do not even get me started on the idea of "being in a relationship with" or "married" or "engaged"... after sophomore year when you were jokingly engaged to a female, this status really went out of style with a vengeance. If you ever feel the need to marry someone or get engaged, maybe you should think about not being simultaneously addicted to taking note of it on facebook. Maybe you should not even be on facebook. Just something to think about. 

So just to set the record straight, IPDA is not condoned by Stuff Hot People Like in any regard. Consider us your Miss Manners of the cyber world. Here to keep it clean. Spicy and I promise to never engage in ipda with anyone now or in the future. Not even if one of us suddenly meets and falls in love with the actual Thomas Crown and he starts wildly posting on one of our walls. We will maintain our level of ladylike decorum and abstain from responding via wall post on tommy's wall. 

Please comment on this posting and give us feed back on the following blogstion (blog+question).....

Should we post a list of offending couples on this site who need to evaluate and rethink their facebook behavior?? 

Personal Info internet disclosure... too much or too perfect?

Blog followers rejoice! and turn your attention to my completely truth serum induced blogger profile. When I saw this opportunity to tell you all about myself, I could not contain my excitment. So I didnt hold back, I let it all hang out. Now you can finally truly feel close to me in a new way. This opportunity to share via www was almost as exciting for me as the Facebook 25 things craze. Although that got me so worked up I never did post mine, since I could not get the number of things about me down from 80 to 25. I am a virtual encyclopedia of interests and hidden facets. Anyway, since I am typing this blog on the receptionist's computer at our office lobby desk, I better keep it short. there are still a few people out there (my employers, specifically) that I am not yet ready to share all 80 things with... or this blog... brb love you guyssssssss

ps. Spicy, your blogger profile blows compared to the thought and loving attention i devoted to mine. I suggest you take a moment to stop skiing arm-in-arm with lauren claire gunn long enough to pay attention to the people that truely matter... your blog followers and update that profile. I am itching to update yours myself, but I know that you may want artistic liberty and control on this one. If you need a picture to upload, I have a few picked out.

david after the dentist

Watch this 6 times in a row and tell me children shouldn't be high more often.

Hott Verbiage of the Day

Today's hott verbiage extends from the previous bomo definition of January. If you haven't already learned and incorporated this into your daily vocabularly I advise you to do so now.

BoHu-- blackout hookup. For those bomos that take it a step too far out of MO territory and feature "appendage appearances"/ any sort of base rounding beyond a friendly 2nd.

Furthermore

The more I think about it (and having an unpaid internship gives me plenty of time to do this), I cannot stop wondering if there isnt something inherently wrong with this AXE chocolate man. He looks way too much like the old-fashioned caricature, "darkie" that is synonymous with pre-civil rights era racism. Seriously, look at him...that grin is so... He looks intentionally stupid. And the more I think about that...and the product's name "Dark Temptation"... the more I feel like AXE is literally pushing jungle fever. When is this lawsuit going to erupt???

Valentine's Day - One Leper of a Holiday

It is a rare individual who is truly at peace with the concept of Valentine's day. To not have a deeply ingrained nervous tick about this holiday is to have the emotional fortitude of a mountain lion. Seriously though, think about it, no other holiday or really any other day of your life, so abrasively smacks you in the face and says, "hey, what is wrong with you?"... i would imagine the 30th birthday isnt far behind in discracefulness, but at least it only happens once. Vday unavoidably rears its ugly head on an annual basis whether you like it or not. And considering that 4 out of 5 marriages end in divorce, this is a pretty shitty holiday for about 90% of the western world.

Truely a cruel holiday. I supose kindegarten teachers, grandmothers and hallmark would disagree. But to the rest of us, this is just plain uncomfortable.

And as if it werent bad enough already. A new embodiment of all things terrible has arrived on the scene just in time for vday.... AXE Dark Temptation has hit the market. (See above picture) If you ever find yourself depressed or bored, visit the AXE website and you will suddenly be dissolving into tears of laughter and joy at the sheer repulsiveness of this company's marketing tactics. The basic premise here is that women are cannibalistic sex starved banshees that will pounce and rape any man who spritzes himself with AXE. This apparently appeals to guidos the world over.

And especially, on valentines day, the true banshee really rears its ugly head. In the new AXE dark temptation campaign, women literally begin eating a man who is wearing the new scent in public places, so overcome with lust and hunger for chocolate. This is exhibit A precisely what is wrong with this god-forsaken holiday. AXE seized this opportunity to remind humanity that valentines day makes women into dangerous, ravenously and generally instable creatures. perfect.

I am seriously considering the comedic potential of actually buying this scent just to see what AXE deems dark and tempting. Do you think that it actually smells like hersheys?? are the men of the tri-state area going to start running around now not only gelling their hair but also dousing themselves in the scent of popular desserts? Utterly irresistible, i know.

To all of you single ladies out there, i wish you good luck this vday season. To those of you lucky enough to have to prepare yourself for the emotional battery of whatever terrible gift or flower arrangement may be coming your way, I also tip my hat to you. this will not be easy. But rest assured, by simply stopping by your nearest CVS pharmacy you can snag an AXE body spray as a gag gift sure to diffuse the awkwardness you undoubtedly will encounter at some point this holiday weekend.

hot stuff people like

I have a two-fold apology:

First, that yours truly, Spicy Tuna, has been slogging (slacking + blogging) as I explained to Alice yesterday evening. And secondly, that I have not only slogged but left you for an interminable week with no material but my large and painfully pale thigh. I'll have you know that edamame originally wanted me to pose nude for her grandeur thesis but this chocolate onesie was my compromise as I told her point blank, "I want you to draw me wearing this, wearing only this…"

Nonetheless, I never sufficed as her muse rather she takes her inspiration from waiflike models and linear figures, further propelling the status quo of unrealistic female body image. And yet, she strikingly excels at paperie and is alas extremely talented. Which is why the opportunity has arisen to promote and shamelessly plug http://www.inslee.net/ for all your paperie needs. Stationary to any occasion, for any occasion. (I hear the calendars are going fast...)

Need I say I miss this?