It is a rare individual who is truly at peace with the concept of Valentine's day. To not have a deeply ingrained nervous tick about this holiday is to have the emotional fortitude of a mountain lion. Seriously though, think about it, no other holiday or really any other day of your life, so abrasively smacks you in the face and says, "hey, what is wrong with you?"... i would imagine the 30th birthday isnt far behind in discracefulness, but at least it only happens once. Vday unavoidably rears its ugly head on an annual basis whether you like it or not. And considering that 4 out of 5 marriages end in divorce, this is a pretty shitty holiday for about 90% of the western world.
Truely a cruel holiday. I supose kindegarten teachers, grandmothers and hallmark would disagree. But to the rest of us, this is just plain uncomfortable.
And as if it werent bad enough already. A new embodiment of all things terrible has arrived on the scene just in time for vday.... AXE Dark Temptation has hit the market. (See above picture) If you ever find yourself depressed or bored, visit the AXE website and you will suddenly be dissolving into tears of laughter and joy at the sheer repulsiveness of this company's marketing tactics. The basic premise here is that women are cannibalistic sex starved banshees that will pounce and rape any man who spritzes himself with AXE. This apparently appeals to guidos the world over.
And especially, on valentines day, the true banshee really rears its ugly head. In the new AXE dark temptation campaign, women literally begin eating a man who is wearing the new scent in public places, so overcome with lust and hunger for chocolate. This is exhibit A precisely what is wrong with this god-forsaken holiday. AXE seized this opportunity to remind humanity that valentines day makes women into dangerous, ravenously and generally instable creatures. perfect.
I am seriously considering the comedic potential of actually buying this scent just to see what AXE deems dark and tempting. Do you think that it actually smells like hersheys?? are the men of the tri-state area going to start running around now not only gelling their hair but also dousing themselves in the scent of popular desserts? Utterly irresistible, i know.
To all of you single ladies out there, i wish you good luck this vday season. To those of you lucky enough to have to prepare yourself for the emotional battery of whatever terrible gift or flower arrangement may be coming your way, I also tip my hat to you. this will not be easy. But rest assured, by simply stopping by your nearest CVS pharmacy you can snag an AXE body spray as a gag gift sure to diffuse the awkwardness you undoubtedly will encounter at some point this holiday weekend.
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