Bye Bye Meat

2009

1501

Tonight I have consumed both funfetti cake and espresso brownies in honor of the birth of one of America's most supremely divine beings - Ida McMaster. And now feeling not unlike an inflated beach ball or perhaps the way the octo-mom felt around 40 weeks, I would like to address the issue of Bye Bye Meat. Or in laymen's terms: arm fat. 

Dictionary Definition of Bye Bye Meat: noun. Colloquial synonym for arm fat named after the flapping of the repository for excess deposit of love handles which migrates to the space between elbow and shoulder on all females 21 years of age and older while they wave their arm in the traditional western gesture of "Bye bye!" Develops proportionately to age and consumption of beer. Cannot be cured by natural practices. Invasive surgery may temporarily decrease evidence of the BBM.

Now I know you all thought that BBM was created by Verizon as an instant communication tactic for the already text-addicted generation we are a part of but infact BBM has existed for CENTURIES if not since the dawn of time, although no pictorial representation is available to shed light on when the epidemic broke out prior to the spread of naturalism of representation in art. It was particularly dangerous and prevalent in the time of the old masters (before the elliptical and amstel light were invented), as BBM is abundantly represented in all portraiture of women from this period. (See upper right of post for an excellent anatomical representation of arm fat by Giorgione)

But unlike the black death, death in child birth and crooked teeth among other maladies of the scientifically stunted past, BBM has yet to be out-witted. It is still a mysterious degenerative condition that is inescapable for approximately 49% of the worlds population in 2009. (the lucky bastards that are not in the high risk demographic are men - 50% and supermodels - 1%). While it is not fatal like bubonic plague, it is equally as unflattering. Its onset is unpredictable, but experts agree that it develops most aggressively around the time that female humans have reached physical maturity (or discover beer and funfetti). Once the female develops traces of BBM one of two things immediately occur:

1. she notices the new found flab and aggressively devotes the next fifty years of her life to yoga, free weights, water aerobics etc. and eventually ends up with muscles that inevitably will turn into dangling BBM flaps that tremble in the breeze. (See Madonna in 3 years)

2. she does not notice the trace levels of BBM rising and eventually develops full on BBM syndrome which can never be resolved or removed. and must resort to the ever-cringe-worthy...

HAND ON HIP POSE (See entire facebook community)

the Hand on Hip Pose represented above in the upper left of this post is to date the only viable solution to avoiding upper-body fatness being tagged all over the internet and disseminated to everyone you went to preschool with. Unfortunately while we are all desperately devoted to using the HOH, many of us have no idea how to casually execute it and most of us end up merely drawing attention to our nervous fear of exposing BBM instead of our goal of masking its presence. 

A failed HOH is most noticeable if the girl is arching her back or looks unmistakably self aware of how awkward she is being. Successful HOH's occur when the girl holds a drink to distract from why she is randomly cocking her arm at a 90% angle just because she got saddled with being on the "end" of the picture.

However then we are faced with the issue of tackiness. Is it tacky to be drinking in pictures? Which is worse - being tacky or being fat? Should we perhaps carry Perrier or Smart Water in our purses to whip out if we hear the mechanical buzz of a cannon powershot elf coming to life to do battle against our flawed limbs? That way we could be ready and holding a socially non-tacky item that disguises BBM and reminds everyone that our arms are so slender thanks to a diet of sparkling water, steamed vegetables and raw almonds.

You may think I'm obsessing but in this digi crazed world that we live in you can not be too aware of your BBM. You barely return home from events before they are spelled out minute by minute in facebook albums for all to see. And we're not even famous. Well, your not. I am the author of this blog afterall...

Anyway, in closing, BBM is here to stay. Hopefully soon a safe, non invasive laser surgery will be readily available on par with Botox to help curb BBM at long last. But until then, keep casually inching towards the middle of group pictures and buy a good pashmina. 

ps. The Man in the right of that picture also appears to be doing the HOH, but i think that may just be part of the LGBT officially sanctioned photographing pose.