Ok, let me just say, WOOF! Do NOT buy this shoe!!! You'll thank me later. You are being seriously taken for a ride by the fashion industry. I know, I know, your thinking I am always bitching because Washington is a style vacuum but as it turns out I can be just as caustic about the women in fashion-precocious cities for their one night stands with random trends that they inevitably never call for a second date... because in the cruel morning light, that trend turned out to be a real dog.
Anyway, I think the fashion pledge-masters saw this recession as an opportunity to cultivate couture that is so offensively unflattering that even if we still had the cash to blow on 795 dollar gladiator sandals, we wouldnt. (because we are glad we dont have pediatric disabilities that force us to bind our feet in these satanic contraptions). Seriously Shopbop.com, a place I once revered as a short list of fashion do's is now so unrecognizable that I literally thought I had accidentally clicked on a website that sells leg braces for children with polio. The very reason women's shoes do not look like men's shoes is so that we can make our legs look sexy. Sorry to be so pre-suffrage but it is the truth. Now you go try on a flat footed black leather studded strappy/dominatrix leg brace to the knee and tell me if you look sexy or suddenly ten pounds heavier and like a bull dike from the time of the Vikings mixed with Forrest Gump at age 7.
These shoes take the Oscar for best leading actress in an Ugliness Competition. If I were in charge of Osama Bin Laden's punishment once he is captured, I would force him to do runway shows for the rest of his life span wearing nothing but these shoes. If someone ressurected Hitler, I would also expect him to do this. Gladiator Shoes are to High Heels what Depends are to the Thong. Every "your mom is so fat" joke applies to these shoes. No, wait... every dead baby joke applies to these monstrosities. I used to make fun of women in plaid shirts, leather leggings, jumpsuits and vests. But I take it all back. I am devoting my hatred of unflattering fashions 100% to gladiator braces.
I really cant figure out how anyone thought these shoes were a good idea. And at 800 dollars a pop, If i see anyone actually wearing these shoes I cannot promise that I wont hurl myself at her and engage in physical combat.
I am seething with excitement for the day this fall when I get to waltz into Barney's coop and see those godforsaken gladiator sandals on the sale rack, still available in every size... reduced, nay SLASHED down from $795 to $69.99. Although on second thought, by fall they will have probably started pushing some new sort of shoe so ugly that my brain cannot even predict its ferocity.... and fur lined jumpsuits for cool weather... oh god. *I would make a Snuggie reference here, about how according to the imbeciles that make the decisions around here, it is probably the fashion of the future, but i refuse to honor it with that amount of attention*
Anyway. Now that I have told you how much Hot People Do Not Like these shoes, tune in soon to be treated to something so unbelievably hot-people-worthy that you will literally go into catatonic shock from the exuberant brilliance of its majestic presence.... field reporter MR Wyatt has been recording footage of the hottest men on the east coast. She has found the winner and his audition video will be revealed in the days to come. Stay posted.
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